The Magical Fairy
I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests.”
“You crafty bastard,” replied the fairy.
When Insults Had Class
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
-Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts … for support rather than illumination.”
-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”