The Karp Report

Morning Coffee in Rome

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter’s Square.  The first man tells his friends, “My son is a priest.  When he walks into a room, everyone call him “Father”.  The second man chirps, “My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room, people call him “Your Grace”.  The third gent says, My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says “Your Eminence”.  The fourth man say very proudly, “My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness”.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a subtle, “Well … ?”  She proudly replied, “I have a daughter, she’s beautiful, tall, slim, 38D breasts, 24″ waist, 36” hips.  When she walks into the room, everyone says, “Jesus”.

True or False

Can your guess which of the following are true or false? (Answers below)

1.  Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button.  (??hatched??)
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart.
6. Only 7% of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don’t appear until they are 2-6 y.o.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hangar is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7x a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand it to search for water.
18. Michael Jackson owned the right to the South Carolina State Anthem.
19. Most TV ads for milk, the milk is really a combination of paint and thinner.
20. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle in 1903 used a tomato can as carburetor.
21. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.  They were 7th cousins.
22. If coloring wasn’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all TRUE.

Now go back and think about #16.

Jewish Divorce

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Irv.  All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.  My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a nickel.”

Her mother says, “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a $250,000 Ferrari, you get a $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year.”

“You want to throw all that away . . . over 45 cents?”